2 years..

Tomorrow (June 19th) marks 2 years since I was diagnosed with MS. How do I feel about this? I don't know. It's difficult. Part of me looks at how far I've come and what I've achieved despite having an auto immune disease but the other part of me looks at a future I may never have. Perhaps I'm holding myself back. I probably am and I should really snap out of this. Whenever I do snap out of this kind of mood I'm kindly remind by my nervous system that actually I'm not a normal healthy person and I do need to slow down. Finding a happy medium would help me accept being ill, if I don't accept this I think that this illness will just eat me up and spit me out.

coming to terms?

How do you ever learn to come to terms with having something you don't want?

So I haven't posted in nearly a year, and I've been trying to think why I haven't and it just clicked.. I write this whilst sitting in pain remembering at times like this I have a progressive neurological autoimmune disease (MS).

It's taken me almost a year to realise that I'm never going to be healthy again, and that's made me sad. Everyone thinks I'm this strong person, or perhaps they expect it? I dunno, what I do know is that I'm not nearly as strong as people think I am. It's just a facade I can play very well I think.

I know there are people out there worse off than me, I get it I really do, but I just don't wanna live with an illness that will eat me up and just spit me out. I'm scared. People tell me not to think about the future but surely you have to? I know everyone's future is pretty much unknown but I feel like mine is really scary. 

My charity work for the MS society has been non existent right now which also makes me feel pretty crap about myself but I've got a few ideas flowing (thank god)! 

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm living with something I'm trying to ignore and it's not going away however hard I try and that's not healthy for anyone. How do you accept that one day the normal you know is going to disappear? I don't wanna rely on medicines to live I really don't. I feel like the last year I have changed, maybe not on the outside and the way I act around family and friends. But inside I've come to realise that not everything lasts forever and it's just frightening I suppose. I don't wanna be cynical but just realistic?

But seriously how do you come to terms with having something you don't want? Maybe it's time...